overwhelmed… an understatement.

So we all have bad days, right? Days that just defeat us completely. Days that we’d rather forget. Days that we just want to go home and cry until we fall asleep and never wake up… Okay the last one is a little drastic, but it’s seriously how I’ve felt all night since I got home.

Let’s begin with how I thought today was going to go; I planned to wake up early, make myself breakfast, go to class a little early, get stuff done, and go to my other classes… Well I guess I did most of that. I basically over slept and rushed to class though, and then, realized I left ALL of the notebooks and textbooks I needed AT HOME. Then, I found out I have to sign up for “service learning” hours for TWO of my classes… Volunteer work? Yeah, cool, no big deal right? Well, we have EXTREMELY specific programs we can work with and the options are absolutely terrible. So that was just sort of the beginning of the catastrophe called “today” for me.

See, the rest I don’t really want to talk about. Just because the thought of all of it makes me want to curl into a ball again… Basically, one of the main things is my 400 level research course. I’ve found out that the topic I want to do is basically the most challenging thing I could have decided on. It requires me to take myself 110% out of my comfort zone and to do everything I can to be accepted by a culture I know NOTHING about; and even then they might not trust me enough to share the information with me that I need. They might hate me, they might tell me to NEVER come back or talk to them again. Truth is, I DO NOT KNOW. My topic isn’t exactly sensitive to the community, but it is almost… Sacred, to the people in which I want to study.  But again… I really don’t want to get into it right now. Sorry.

The rest has been a conglomeration (holy shit I spelled that correctly,) of little things piling up and eating me from the inside out. Between financial burdens and family things I’ve begun to worry about, I don’t know what I’m even supposed to do or if I can even do anything anymore. Plus, the stress of needing to land the job I will be interviewing for this week is just killing me. I know I haven’t gone into detail so all this probably doesn’t seem so bad to you. But, let me tell you… When you get home, collapse into your bed and want to do nothing but cry and be held (sadly having no one to do so anyway,) there is nothing more defeating in the world.

Well, I’ve ranted enough for one night, while saying nothing at all really. I’ve actually given myself a migraine from stressing out so badly… I think I’m going to go hide for a long long time and not come out of my room for any reason other than eating and showering.

Have a better night than I’m having.
Cheers.

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not even midnight?

I seriously thought it was later than 11:30 guys, but apparently not. Because of the holiday I don’t have classes tomorrow. Guess I can just stay up late and play Assassin’s Creed IV some more. I mean, my sleep schedule is extremely inconsistent as it is. I mean, it’s not that I try staying up late all the time… But sometimes I can’t help it.

For example, there’s a friend of mine (a very close, personal friend that I may or may not have history with,) that I’ve hung out with 3 nights in the last 7 days. Honestly, I thought we’d never get to hang out again- never been happier to be wrong. Despite the fact things are really just a huge mess that I have NO idea how things will end up. Haaaaaa, this is my life. Hanging out with an ex whom I still have feelings for even though he says I deserve better and he wants someone else.

Okay, no more of that. NO. No more talking about that.

I’m falling back into my Assassin’s Creed obsession now that I’ve begun playing Black Flag… I was weary of it when it first came out… But… Pirates.. and Assassin’s… Eeeeee~ They are both fantastic, so I’ve been enjoying the game quite a bit. In fact, after I finish this post I’m going to go back to playing it I think… BUT FUCKIN AY, THEM NAVY SHIPS DO NOT SINK EASY. I got so mad I quit for a few hours… I should be working on homework anyway.. But whatever.

Speaking of school and stuff, I applied for an Office Assistant position on Campus with the Student Housing Office… I got an email back about my resume and availability and am hoping to hear back this week about an interview. I mean, this job would be AMAZING. It’s already on campus so I wouldn’t have to travel anymore than I already do, it pays the same as my summer job I could go back to… Though, the summer job has many more hours but is RIDICULOUSLY hard physical labor that I cannot dream of doing again. Plus, an office job would be better for my resume anyway.
So we’ll see where that goes. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, I should be going here soon. I think next time I’m going to make a rant about Valentines day, seeing as it’s soon approaching. Ew…. But, thanks for reading and have a wonderful night!

Dueces.
x

what am i even doing here?

BESIDES laughing hysterically at myself.

Hahaha.. No seriously, I took a look at my blog post from the past (which you can no longer view, because, magic.) Thus, whilst looking at the 100+ (now unpublished  posts) I really could not figure out what the sole purpose of this blog was supposed to be. I mean, I LOVE to rant and vent and express the very essence of my soul onto the internet for all to behold… Right? Well, yes. Anyone who knows me KNOWS that’s the truth. So here we are, as I babble on about nothing at all, tip-toeing around the point I want to make.

Yes, I understand that sometimes I can be too emotional in my blog posts. Yes, I understand sometimes it can become offensive or hurtful to some of those whom which the posts concern in my daily life. Yes, I know I’m probably too open with my posts online.

Those are just a few of the things I need to work on, and I am sorry to anyone I may have previously hurt or belittled. But, just like everyone else… I need an outlet. My blog has been an outlet for me for a long time now- so I can’t just stop. See, there aren’t many people in my life that are just willing to listen to me bitch about things. Not to mention, I wouldn’t want to make them sit through it anyways.

Thus, consider this a fair warning… i’m reclaiming my own blog, for personal reasons and so, many rants, emotional purges, and personal updates will pursue. Sorry, not sorry?

Take it or leave it.
I know some of you actually enjoy hearing about my life, so it’s a win-win, right?

Dueces.
x

being financially responsible is haaaard

Seriously, I hate money. It’s ridiculous to think that the world revolves around it but we all know it’s undeniably true. Recently, I finally became the owner of my very first car (well, that belongs to me not my mother.) It’s a beautiful black 2002 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo with a v8 engine; I’ve named him Jäger, if you’ve ever seen Pacific Rim you’d understand…That and I absolutely love German, and Jäger is the German word for hunter. But anyway, this is my first car and of course I wasn’t able to pay in full for it by myself- my sister fronted me the cash for which I will be paying her back with my left over financial aid for the semester (as well as various other members of my family pitching in.) This makes me realize how blessed I am to have a family who, despite being very stressed in finances, offered to help me pay for my own set of wheels.

Though, as Spiderman would remind us, “with great power comes great responsibility.” I’ve learned that it’s true. The older I get, the more responsibilities I have… Especially when it comes to finances. The list of things piles up that I have to save for, or borrow money for.
Bills
Rent
Tuition
Gas
Insurance
Groceries

It seems to never end. Now, I have to figure out how the hell to file taxes… I don’t understand these thiiiings. But, now I’m no longer a teenager, and part of growing up is being a responsible adult. So, that’s what I’m learning to do… It’s just hard getting there, not just financially but socially and educationally as well.
Life choices are hard.

Thanks for reading though, cheers.

20 facts about me

Seeing as it’s my twentieth birthday, I figured I might as well share twenty obscure facts about myself. Ugh, now I actually have to come up with 20 personal facts and such… Here goes nothing.

1. I eat lemon slices, is that weird?

2. I’ve struggled with insomnia in the past, and it’s slowly coming back.

3.  I am terrified of swimming in lakes and rivers; basically anything with deep water that I can’t see the bottom of.

4. I keep a jar of graveyard dirt in my bedroom, as long as herbs like Meadowsweet, Vervain, and Horehound… Superstitions, ya know.

5.  I’m a great cook but am often too lazy to actually put the effort in.

6.  I can count my friends on one hand, 3 fingers to be honest.

7. My mother and I have a very bad relationship; I honestly despise her.

8. I want a cat more than anything right now.

9. I’ve written over 10 fanfictions, but have only completed 1.

10. I’ve spend a majority of the last 10 years on the internet and computer.

11. I’ve played over 450 hours of Skyrim in my lifetime.

12. I truly think I can survive a zombie apocalypse, but I am honest to god terrified of the idea of zombies being real.

13. I live of of superstitions and believe in ghosts and the possibility of monsters.

14. I went to a private Lutheran elementary/middle school; it destroyed my self esteem and self worth.

15. I have panic attacks when dealing with confrontational social situations.

16. I can’t talk about my feelings or fight with others in person because I can’t stop crying when I do.

17. I’m obsessive when it comes to tv shows, movies, video games, and people.

18. My dream is to move to Tennessee.

19. The events that have happened in my life could be made into a very dramatic movie.

20. I’m afraid of growing up.

 

and there you have, twenty facts about me that people may or may not already know.

last day as a teenager

I just kind of realized that it’s my last day of being a teenager. Come tomorrow I’ll be twenty… That’s crazy to me. Strangely, I even feel a little anxiety thinking about it. Pretty soon, I’ll blink and realize I’m thirty. Scary thought…

Alas, I’ve learned a lot in my teenage years, and honestly- I probably had some of the best times I’ll ever have had during them. Though, at the end of the day, I know I’m ready to grow up. I’ve been ready to grow up since before high school, but everything takes it’s time. There were times when I didn’t even think I’d make it to my twentieth birthday, but here I am. It’s time to grow up and be responsible and such. No more excuses, this is my time to shine.  I have a lot to get done while in my twenties, considering my long-term goals. Here’s a few of them-

Graduate undergrad school in Anthropology and American Indian studies; pretty self explanatory.
Apply to, enroll in, and graduate from grad school in Anthropology; my eyes are set on a program in Knoxville, Tennessee… But who knows where I’ll really end up going to school.
Find “the one.” The man I’m going to marry is out there somewhere, and my goal is to find him and fall in love and not to get hurt this time around.
Get married and settle down; my dream was to be married by 25 and to have kids by 27… Let’s see what I can accomplish in 5-7 years.
Start a business or my professional career; because one thing I truly want in this life it to be financially stable by the time I’m 30… Even if getting there is tough.

This all seems so, grown up, to me… I mean, it feels like just yesterday I was blowing out the candles on my birthday cake, jumping up and down because I was finally 10… A decade has gone by and it’s hard to believe. Those kids I graduated with are getting married and engaged already, they’re getting great internships, they’re studying abroad… And here I am, still trying to find my place in the world. How did I spend my last day as a teenager? I watched Nashville with my sister, edited pictures, and played around on tumblr all day… Pretty typical behavior  for me.

And hey, even though I’m not going to be a teenager after today, I still plan on playing video games, writing fan-fiction, and wasting tons of time on the internet. I just realize I have to get my ass in gear and be productive as well.

 

In any case, tomorrow is my birthday.
I have virtually no plans.
Asked for nothing.
And honestly, I feel like no one cares anymore.

it has begun!

As some of you may know, my new year goals started with a project. A potography project I already failed once. This time I am bound and determined to finish it and see it through 100% of the way. This project is a 365 project; where I take a photo everyday for one year. This year, 2014, seemed like a golden opportunity, so here it is.

project_365

(just click on the link to visit the site)

So far there are only two uploads, because it’s only January 2nd obviously, but there will be updates to come. I may not be able to upload a photo everyday but I will TAKE one everyday for the next year. So, if you have an eye for art or photography- or if you just like stalking me -insert nervous laugh here- then feel free to take a look! In the mean time, considering making a project for yourself to follow. It’s a wonderful way to take your mind off the real world, even if it is just for a few minutes everyday.

I wish you all the best as the new year begins.

Much love ❤