rain for days

And that’s the honest to God truth. This is about day 4 of rainy weather in a row and I love it. I do not, however, love the windy cold dampness that has come along with it. But, at least it keeps me going.

Alas, recently I’ve been one big ball of stress. If you were to poke me I’d either explode or deflate- lets not test this though… I am so extremely exhausted and it’s almost the end of the semester. School work has pretty much subsides, minus a few big projects and exams, but real life problems are still clouding my mind.

Today my final housing decision was made. After a lot of thought and consideration, I went in and signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment, starting August 1st. No problem, right? Well, no.. Not with this lease… It’s my current lease I need to worry about. If I cannot get a re-let by August I will be forced to pay for TWO leases/rental units.  Which is something I am in no financial position to do.

But, in my mind, it is worth the risk to live in a one bedroom… I am just so sick of relying on other people and dealing with roommates, I would rather just take it all into my own hands and rely on myself. Plus, the only utilities I’ll have to pay now are Electric, Internet, and Cable (if I so choose.) Granted, rent is a little more steep but that’s the price paid for not living with 3 random people/strangers next year.

I do not trust strangers, and I do not recommend allowing a complex to provide roommate matching for you. It didn’t work out for me, anyway.

But that’s my housing rant. Later on, I’ll give you guys an idea of how I plan to use my little 438 sq ft chuck of living space and what-have-you. For now, I need to get over the initial stress of re-letting my current lease and manage to calm my nerves about having two housing situations to deal with.

Not to mention how I’ll be breaking the news to a friend of mine that I have decided not to live with her…

Ugh.

thunder is so soothing

seriously, the powerful crashes of thunder that have been booming all day have really put my mind at ease. if that’s possible…

I had a huge emotional meltdown earlier today in the realization that I’m  a huge financial burden on my family. Also, that I am terrified of becoming like an unnamed family member who is considered our black sheep.

All in all, this all comes down to a housing situation and my inability to catch a break. However, this is not entirely my fault in a way- it is simply my fault for relying on other people and trusting them to hold up their ends of certain bargains. I’m talking about roommates.

I should have just stuck with the one bedroom apartment I planned on getting last year, but no. I had to make stupid rash decisions and listen to people I wanted to trust. Now, I’ve landed myself in a lease I cannot get out of (because I renewed it for the sake of living with a roommate that promised to renew as well and then bailed when I never should have lived here in the first place.)

At least now, I’ve finally procured some sort of financial reassurance towards my goal of landing a one bedroom lease else where. Though, unless I can find a way to sublease my current place I will be royally screwed. Why? Because I will be forced to pay TWO rent payments adding up over $1000/mo…. And that is something I cannot do…

BUT, I need to sign a lease for a one bedroom before they run out at the place I’m looking at. So, I have to take that chance and risk everything for the sake of not dealing with the horrible scenario of living with strangers once again…

God, I really need this to work out….

ANYWAY, it’s raining and I needed to vent. I’m feeling a little better now but am still one big ball of stress and emotions.

With that said, I think I’m going to go buy a smoothie and park my car in the rain for a bit.

dreams of a studio

ever since i was little i always wanted a space to myself where i could just go and be me and do what i wanted. a place where i could listen to my music without being teased, a place where i could make a mess with my art supplies and not even care that i got paint on the wall or the floor. a place where i could go and dance around like an idiot because no one would be watching. today, i still want my place like that.

“You just need to find a place to get away, you can forget your name, and there’s no need to apologize.”

so, this summer, i’m going to step up to the plate and build myself my studio. on the 26 acres of land i have at home, there’s more than enough room for a little 8×10 shack, there has to be. if nothing else, i could make it a tree house, probably smaller though, maybe 5×8, but that’s still a good amount of space to just chill.

there would be plenty of windows, wood floors, and even a sky light in the roof. inside i’d have an easel and a ton of paint supplies.

but who knows if it’s ever going to happen. a girl can dream though, right?

My name is Stephanie Dixon and…

And all I’m good at is hurting people. Which in turn hurts me more.
Soon reality, my name is Stephanie Dixon and I hurt myself.

I am emotionally and mentally spent after the last 24 hours. It is both a curse and a blessing to be home alone tonight.

I hate when people accuse me of disrespecting them when they’ve done the same to me tenfold. I never mean to hurt people, even if they might deserve it… But somehow that’s all I ever do. I just hurt people.
I feel so incredibly terrible because the people I hurt the most are the ones who deserve it the least.
Sometimes they simply get caught in the crossfire of my frustration with others. Whatever happens, I always hurt people without intending to. But, people never take my side… I’m just the cold hearted bitch who hurts everyone.

How can I seem so insensitive and hurtful to people? If they took the time to actually get to know me maybe they’d see the truth about me… The problem is, even I don’t know the truth….

I’m just a lonely girl with nothing left to lose.

reverse

sometimes you gotta slam on the brakes and throw everything in reverse because your life depends on it.

because it is extremely important never to lose sight of who your are in your heart as well as your mind. to find that balance and be the happiest, most considerate, greatest version of yourself that you can be.

be optimistic, be courageous, be everything you’re afraid to be. break out of your shell and say what you want to say, tell people what you want to tell them, do the things you want to do. find that inspiration and motivation you desperately crave. most of all, don’t forget about the people who have helped you along the way.

okay, yes, i am just kind of venting at myself for being an idiot in the last however long it’s been. but the thing is, this message can apply to anybody. not just me.

there are so many possibilities, so many opportunities, so many experiences that get missed out on everyday.  for what reason? being too busy, too lazy, too preoccupied, too depressed, too tired? none of those are valid excuses. there is a whole world out there waiting for you to leave your impression!

okay. so what has me so happy and pumped up right now?
MUSIC.

today i’ve been exploring new artists that i don’t typically listen to. of course, whilst doing so, i’ve fallen in love with a new artist/band.
American Authors
their lyrics speak to me in a rare way that makes me smile, for example:

I’m just a believer
That things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don’t wanna let it
 

but it’s not just that one song, it’s all of them. i just feel unstoppable and happy. i have felt like this all day, well the last few days really. maybe it’s the warm weather, maybe it’s the music, maybe it’s the sage smudging i did this week, or maybe it’s my depression finally going away again. in reality, it’s probably a huge mix of all of those on top of the way i’ve finally made peace and am in acceptance of the loss of my best friend- my poor baby Tobi is resting peacefully, and i know that. it was hard to accept but i’ve brought myself to do so.

life is a series of choices and decisions, those choices and decisions all have consequences. some are good, some are bad, some can be heart breaking, but some can make you happier than you’ve ever been- but the trick of it is that they are all unpredictable… and that’s life. it is a mystery, and you never know what will happen until you try.

so get out there and live your life, i know i’m going to start.

xoxo, thanks for reading ❤

I say if you don’t know then you go slow or you don’t go don’t be a no show just let go.