maybe i should just get a cat

It’s a new semester and a new start. This year is different, this year I am on top of things, this year… I’m on my own. And even though all that may seem for the very best… The sad truth is that I have never felt as alone or as isolated as I do now.

Maybe that night, a few days before leaving for school, when I was drunk and crying to my mom that “nobody loves me” I wasn’t just deliriously spewing out nonsense. Maybe deep down, I really feel that my reality really is that I am alone an unloved. I mean, let’s be rational, my parents love me & so does my family. My boyfriend and I are in love and it’s amazing. But, the harshness of it all, is that I am away from them. All of them.

I am here, in this town that has condemned me, all by my lonesome. No one ever invites me out, or asks if I’d like to do anything. No one checks in on me just to make sure I’m okay or that I’m eating still. No one has really bothered to notice the way my depression is slowly crawling back into the depths of my spirit, no matter how hard I try to pull away and scream for help.

So, to my readers, I just feel alone. I see so many faces in classes and while at work in the Anthropology office, but they all look right through me, not caring to actually know me. It would be nice to have a friend or two that actually talked to me, that actually made an effort to spend time with me… In person anyway. Texts are generic, facebook messages are fine, but nothing compares to a person actually wanting to see or speak with you face to face. The closest I can get to that these days is my Wednesday night gaming date nights my boyfriend and I decided on- where every Wednesday we sit down at our computers, miles apart, and play video games together whilst chatting on our headsets. Unfortunately his computer is having issues and our date was cut short last night. Just my luck, at least he’s visiting me this weekend sometime.

All in all, this whole hermit life thing is great… But it gets so damn lonely just sitting in my apartment everyday watching TV and browsing the internet. Not a soul to be found, but my withered and heavy soul itself solemnly lurks in this place. Sorry, my creative writing teacher was emphasizing descriptiveness rather than bluntness in writing today. Also, I’m sorry for the dullness and length of this entry.
If you have read this far, thank you, it’s nice to know someone out there on the internet cares still. I’ll write again soon. Maybe a gloomy rainy-day depression won’t overtake the tone next time.

Until then, I’ll be here. God knows people are over rated.


t-minus 4 days

And then I’ll be back in college. It’s a crazy thought, but I knew that the summer would go by too fast, which it did. Alas, as fast as summer went, those few short months were enough for everything in my life to change. Well, my life was already changing even before the summer. The last twelve months have been chaos for me. Everything is finally feeling more stable and sorted out.

I’ve gained a lot of experience and maturity in the last year and am happy I went through all the hard times that I did. I feel like all of those low blows really helped me open my eyes and realize some things I never would have otherwise. So, for that I’m thankful, I guess.

Anyway, going into this school year there is a lot going on- a new apartment of my own, a new work study in the Anthropology office (which I am extremely excited about,) my sister being pregnant (I’ll finally be an auntie!) and so many other things coming my way.
Living by myself will be a huge change for me, but it will be for the best. The hardest part has been trying to get my internet to work and trying to fill my apartment with furniture and decor. Thank God for Earthbound Trading Co. even though my bank account is empty… Good thing I start working next week.

That leads me into the next thing I am excited for this year; Fall. I love everything about Fall and I always have. I am pretty sure I happy-rant about it every year so I will hold off on the excitement for now. Though, Sunday, my last day at home- my boyfriend and I are going to the old apple orchard to visit it one last time before it closes down. It’s bittersweet because I have been going there for years to enjoy fall festivities, but that’s all part of life- things change. I’m just happy to have the memories that I do.

Hm… I was honestly going to wait until next week to start up my blog again, but looking ahead, I will be much too busy to actually get anything done with my blog- probably. Classes start, work starts, I have to set up appointments, set up my internet, and all kinds of little things.
So here’s just kind of an update of where I’ve been at.

I mean, if anyone still reads this, that is.
If you are reading, thanks as always.
I’ll be back soon to rant an rave about things as I used to.
Until then, stay beautiful.

oh shut up

Something is really irritating me in the recent news of Robin Williams death, until I can blog out my frustration more.. this short post will suffice.

Robin Williams was depressed, and yes, depression is a serious thing.
But it is not an illness, it is not a disease, a depressed person is not SICK.
Yes they ate hurting and yes they are facing struggles,
But that does NOT constitute them as sick. Why alienate those who are depressed even more by telling them they have a disease? Why make them feel inferior by telling them they have an illness?
To me, that is actually sick.

Depression is a feeling, it is a struggle, it is something very difficult to overcome… But it is not a disease.
That’s my opinion anyway.
Argue it if you want, but I know how it feels, I was there once in my life- but really? Who hasn’t.
Maybe we are all diseased by human nature.

What people should focus on, it caring about the people who are struggling. Not telling them they are ill or have a disease. They are still the same person, you just don’t know what they are going through.

Be supportive, not clinical.