It’s a new semester and a new start. This year is different, this year I am on top of things, this year… I’m on my own. And even though all that may seem for the very best… The sad truth is that I have never felt as alone or as isolated as I do now.
Maybe that night, a few days before leaving for school, when I was drunk and crying to my mom that “nobody loves me” I wasn’t just deliriously spewing out nonsense. Maybe deep down, I really feel that my reality really is that I am alone an unloved. I mean, let’s be rational, my parents love me & so does my family. My boyfriend and I are in love and it’s amazing. But, the harshness of it all, is that I am away from them. All of them.
I am here, in this town that has condemned me, all by my lonesome. No one ever invites me out, or asks if I’d like to do anything. No one checks in on me just to make sure I’m okay or that I’m eating still. No one has really bothered to notice the way my depression is slowly crawling back into the depths of my spirit, no matter how hard I try to pull away and scream for help.
So, to my readers, I just feel alone. I see so many faces in classes and while at work in the Anthropology office, but they all look right through me, not caring to actually know me. It would be nice to have a friend or two that actually talked to me, that actually made an effort to spend time with me… In person anyway. Texts are generic, facebook messages are fine, but nothing compares to a person actually wanting to see or speak with you face to face. The closest I can get to that these days is my Wednesday night gaming date nights my boyfriend and I decided on- where every Wednesday we sit down at our computers, miles apart, and play video games together whilst chatting on our headsets. Unfortunately his computer is having issues and our date was cut short last night. Just my luck, at least he’s visiting me this weekend sometime.
All in all, this whole hermit life thing is great… But it gets so damn lonely just sitting in my apartment everyday watching TV and browsing the internet. Not a soul to be found, but my withered and heavy soul itself solemnly lurks in this place. Sorry, my creative writing teacher was emphasizing descriptiveness rather than bluntness in writing today. Also, I’m sorry for the dullness and length of this entry.
If you have read this far, thank you, it’s nice to know someone out there on the internet cares still. I’ll write again soon. Maybe a gloomy rainy-day depression won’t overtake the tone next time.
Until then, I’ll be here. God knows people are over rated.