being broke/being a blogger

There is something that’s been eating away at me lately… I am a broke college student with really bad anxiety about being able to afford the cost of living… But, I also love to write. I mean I keep a blog, as you are reading now. However, this is a personal blog and thus the only people who read it- are people who are invested in my life. Or, so I’d like to think.

Recently, I’ve decided to change my major, but am now panicking about what in the seven hells I will ever be able to do with a Creative Writing B.A. degree. Even if I did go for a M.A. in Writing Studies I don’t know where I’d begin.
Yes, I’d love to be a published author and make a living off of royalties. But let’s be honest, how realistic is that?

I’d love to have a functioning blog that spits out reviews, editorials, and other cool publishings- but I can’t start that by myself nor do I believe I could be successful in that kind of a trade by myself.
Earlier today, I did contact an Editor-In-Chief of a geek blog site that was looking for a film writer, I mean it pays virtually nothing, but you gotta start somewhere.

Ahhhhh, I am so lost, I don’t know where to start nor where I will end up.

What I know is that I like movies, tv shows, music, video games, poetry, writing, and art. I don’t know what to make of myself.

ugh, help.

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cycles of obsession

I go through many different obsessions with movies, tv shows, books… But there’s always one that comes back the strongest. It’s also my oldest obsession…  Since I was six or seven years old, I’ve been absolutely and completely in love with one series to rule them all.

The Lord of the Rings

And now, my obsession is back in full force, consuming and overtaking my life again. The last time I let this happen was y senior year of highschool and it lasted nearly six months or longer… So I’m curious to see how long it lasts this time. Especially seeing as I have gone so far as to seriously consider getting a tattoo of the tree of Gondor.

Aside from that I’ve been building a renaissance costume fashioned after a sort of Ringwraith. However, in the process of looking for materials I had an epiphany for a character design.

And thus, fanfiction is born. I’ve started yet another Lord of the Rings fanfiction- this one however, I have an entire plot planned as opposed to a simple starting point.  Damn, I feel like a nerd. But hey, in all honestly, this geeky fandom obsession gets me through the day- and gets me to procrastinate more than I should.

So, if I disappear for a while, check my fanfcition.net account.. There may or may not be a story appearing soon.

Oops.

I didn’t believe in Palmistry until today.

Hell, I am still highly skeptical about it. But the woman I saw was amazing.

Now, I don’t know a whole lot about palm reading, mostly because I’ve always been a skeptic about that aspect of fortune telling. But today, while at the renaissance festival, I decided it was high time I let someone try to read me- psychically. I’ve always wanted to see a psychic, a real psychic (trust me, I know there’s about a million and a half fakes.) Though, I’m so afraid of being ripped off that I had never actually mustered up the will to actually go see a psychic. But, whilst at the RenFest today I suddenly felt drawn to a specific set of tents and so, requested a palm reading…

I was seen by an older woman named Lady Karen, a sweet 72 year old fortune teller. Honestly, she changed my life, for the better entirely. Everything she told me was so specific  and so unreal that I actually got choked up afterwards.

Her style was unique. Again, I am new to the whole palmistry thing, but she read both of my hands simultaneously- something I never thought palm readers did. She knew so much about me and yet the entire time I was with her I never said a word (except for a few nods when she’d ask me something simple.)

She read me like an open book, which no one else has ever been able to do. I mean sure, she does this for a living, but I am convinced that she actually knew what the hell she was doing. In other words, I do believe that there are people who possess certain unexplainable gifts, and I do believe that this Lady Karen was one of them.  She had so many pin-point accuracies that I was in awe the entire time she was doing my reading. She knew things I have never told anyone. I still don’t understand it all.

My mother was so enthralled by how specific Lady Karen was with my reading that she later insisted on getting one as well, to her dismay- her palm reading was not nearly as exciting and inspiring to her as mine was to me. (Then again, my palms had many more lines than hers. Seriously my palms are covered in lines. Lady Karen didn’t know where to begin….)

In any case, my life has seriously changed after this. I have a new found confidence and understanding of myself and how I should approach my future. Call me crazy, like many others have, but I went into this palm reading today a skeptic (seriously saying to myself I want to believe the whole time I waited for my scheduled reading,) and now…  I really think there is something to it. Or at least, there is something to this mysterious Lady Karen. (who unfortunately, has no information that I can find about an outside business.) I hope to find her again someday at the renaissance festival, it would be wonderful to see what she has to say at a later time in my life.

So, with this in mind, today was an amazing, uplifting day. Lady Karen told me everything that I needed to hear.
For that, I am extremely grateful.

a writer’s life

that’s what I’m realizing I’m made for. In all reality, I have virtually no friends, I am always at home alone left with my own thoughts, I am virtually penniless, and I love to write. Maybe I am just stereotyping myself, and generalizing writers as a whole, but this is just how my life has been going.

Everyday I rethink my future. What will I do, where will I go, what career lies in store for me?
All I’ve ever wanted was to write, ever since I was in 3rd grade and started writing my first short story. Then I realized how unrealistic that thought was for me.  So I moved on, I found my passion in photography and wanted to make a career of that- until I realized that I don’t have the patience of putting up with clients. So then, I found American Indian Studies and Anthropology- which are topics I enjoy, but am suddenly realizing (halfway through my degree) that maybe that isn’t the right path for me… And so I came to Folklore Studies and plans of attending a graduate program out of state.

But that too is a fading dream. My interest in folklore is very specific, and I am unsure if I can make a professional career out of it. That leaves me here.
My junior year of college, halfway through a major that would lead me to this ideal graduate study program. But then I stop and think… Will I really be happy with that future? Will I be able to live here, close to my family? Once this didn’t matter to me. But plans change and value’s grow.

Thus, I have come to my sudden realization (one, that I can’t make up my damn mind haha but, two-) that  I should go back to my original passion.
Writing.
Hell, look at me, I’m blogging- writing in it’s own form.

So what’s the new plan huh? Well, I could stay at this school even after undergrad studies and pursue a MFA in Creative Writing (one of the best programs in the country) or I could move and try to get into my original dream school-  UMN Dulluth. I have always DREAMED of living in Duluth and settling down there. It’s where my father was born, and my grandmother was raised. It’s a beautiful harbor/port city and I really can see myself pursuing a future there.

Cities like that give me such inspiration, especially in writing, so I feel as though it would be a perfect match. However, it is still 4 hours from my family, and the winters are brutal. But, if I’m going to put up with Minnesota winters- why not endure the blunt of them?

This is all still a pipedream, and a result of me trying to find myself and who I want to be.
But at least I’m figuring it out, even if I knew it all along.

PS: Someday I will own a house overlooking Lake Superior. And my office will be on the top floor with the best view in the world.

the most obscure poetry assignment

Noise

never escaping
this
 janky town

fuck the
empty
promis
cuous
lies around

kittens meow
so inno
cent
like new

pennies dropped
into the can
al

rushing
water everywhere
help

I’m sinking.

 

 

 

(from my creative writing class, please tell me how you perceive it, it’d be great to hear other perspectives)